Muppet of a Man


I feel like I should really be singing this song:

I’ve been dreaming about this stage in my life for so long. Finally, I am:

  1. Living in the big ol’ city with big ol’ city things happening.
  2. In grad school and actually doing ok!
  3. Working a job that doesn’t pay me peanuts and offers me nifty grownup things like health and dental insurance (and something called a 403B, which sounds like a seedy motel room off the interstate)

    This is seriously what popped up when I google searched "403B"

  4. Driving a fancy-shmancy new car around
  5. In the best physical health of my life. I may not be the size I imagined myself, but I ran a freakin’ half marathon in a somewhat decent time. And I can finally do a pull-up after years of crying over my failure to do them during the President’s Physical Fitness Challenge
  6. Learning a whole bunch of new hobbies… like swimming, knitting,sketching, etc.
  7. ENGAGED. I was never really wedding “obsessed,” butI will admit to fantasizing over what it would be like to plan a wedding
  8. With a guy who does truly care about my well-being, and even after I present my craziness, he still does care.
  9. Away from the drama that was college and high school. And confident enough to know that those years were “dark” for a reason.
  10. Can afford things. Like real food, gym memberships, and netflix subscriptions!

And seriously, I could go on. My life has a lot of fulfillment in it. Yet, I often find myself behaving a lot like this:

… Actually, screw a picture. It feels like all this good isn’t that great. I am a literal shell of the person I once was. And I dont know if it’s because I lost a part of me a long time ago that could tolerate what scares me now (crowds, strangers, speaking in public, performing, going out late at night, etc), or it’s because I’ve genuinely changed and this is how it is always going to be.

All I know is that I wake up every morning with my heart racing in anticipation of how many panic attacks or emotional breakdowns I may have. I am totally strung out with emotions.

A guy on the L literally made me cry this morning. What did he do? He looked at me and snarled. And for some reason, this man (who looked like he was on his way to the crack-pot convention) and his snap, facial judgment of me made me lose it. And oddly enough, this reaction isn’t even uncommon anymore.

Hear a U2 song? Pull over the car and sob.

Cant find workout socks? Scream in to pillow.

Boyfriend call your clearly childish actions… uh, childish? Throw Ipod cord.

Loud noises? Run out of room.

Realize you went 10 points over on weight watchers? Punish self with constant mental put-downs for hours.

All of these things have happened to me in the last 2 days.

… I want to be better. I really do. I want to feel braver. And stronger. And less manic all the time. I keep thinking that this is a symptom of the weather and me working in an office with no windows or outside facing doors. Or, it’s because I stopped running outside over the winter. Maybe it’s the major life changes coming. Or maybe it’s the lack of them. Whatever it is, I’m just not getting X, and it’s making me act like Y.

I’m starting to believe that this is an unsolvable problem. Or, that I’ll hit rock bottom in the immediate future, and it will force me to give up and get the care I need. Wow. I must be pretty low already if I am actively hoping that it will actually get worse

And I really dont know how to end this blog. So, I am going to take a cue from someone much stronger and wonderful than me, Miss Maggie W., and say “Every Rilo Kiley lyric ever.”

Sometimes in the morning i am petrified and can’t move
Awake but cannot open my eyes
And the weight is crushing down on my lungs i know i can’t breath
And hope someone will help me this time
Your mother’s still calling you insane and high
Swearing it’s different this time
And you tell her to give in to the demons that possess her
And that God never blessed her insides
Then you hang up the phone and feel badly for upsetting things
And crawl back into bed to dream of a time
When your heart was open wide and you loved things just because
Like the sick and the dying

And sometimes when you’re on, you’re really fucking on
And your friends they sing along and they love you
But the lows are so extreme that the good seems fucking cheap
And it teases you for weeks in its absense
But you’ll fight and you’ll make it through
You’ll fake it if you have to
And you’ll show up for work with a smile
And you’ll be be better you’ll be smarter
More grown up and a better daughter
Or son and a real good friend
And you’ll be awake and you’ll be alert
You’ll be positive though it hurts
And you’ll laugh and embrace all your friends
And you’ll be a real good listener
You’ll be honest you’ll be brave
You’ll be handsome you’ll be beautiful
You’ll be happy

Your ship may be coming in
You’re weak but not giving in
To the cries and the wails of the valley below
Your ship may be coming in
You’re weak but not giving in
And you’ll fight it. You’ll go out fighting all of them…


4 responses »

  1. Michelle, I TOTALLY understand what you are talking about, and I know a number of things that you can look at and say, “well, maybe it’s…the weather, or winter, or a depressive episode….” but even when it seems like you KNOW what it is, that doesn’t help. It’s a scary feeling. I was at the end of my patience with myself last week. Everything was setting me off, I felt like a cloud was sitting over me, and I thought to myself, “is this just how it’s going to be? Is this how I *am*?” And I knew it was time for a change. I went to a seminar with my dad last week on this topic: The Big Five for Life: — an awesome way to start changing your life outlook and goals immediately. I also, after much back and forth with myself, purchased Life Coach Bill Harris’s Holosync meditation cds (Awakening: Prologue): I started them this past Friday. I was so excited after reading all the feedback and doing my research to see that THIS might be a lasting solution for the end of my anxiety and depression and the beginning of the personal growth I so desire. Giving myself the initial half hour a day of meditation time with the CDs since this past Friday has already started the lift the cloud I’ve felt so for song. I could write more here, but I don’t want to take up your whole comments section ;-). But seriously, if you ever want to get together or email or anything I would love to, because I want you to know you are not alone in your journey.

  2. I’m glad we talked last night. All I can say is, I know this feeling. “Everything on a practical level is going right, so why do I still feel this way?” It seems so stupid, so nonsensical, and it makes you feel powerless. All I can say is: keep pushing. Challenge yourself. Force yourself to remember that once upon a time, NONE of those things scared you or were a problem. There must be SOME way to get back there. We just have to find it, and keep our heads up in the meantime.

    Hopefully we can talk more on Sunday.

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