Pumped Up Kicks


Ahhh the holiday break… so relaxing… so freeing… so full of tears.

Frack. That’s not right.

I’m really not going to go in to it here. It’s not helping that I am slowly sinking back in to the abyss called depression.

I’m honestly not sure what is wrong with me besides whatever chemical imbalance/genetic disposition is naturally there. Things are good. I’m active, in a city I love, working a job that is a blessing, AND I’m starting my Master’s degree in 2 weeks. I am loved to the core, and I’ve done a stellar job at distancing myself from people I feel will take away from that love.

And yet, here I am: Writing about depression like it’s my day job.

Frack. That’s not right.

Yesterday, I got up for my second attempt at an 8 mile run. The day before, my run turned in to a 5 mile therapeutic walk/cry. Thank gahd for sunglasses and naturally being sweaty. It kept most prying eyes off of me. But anyways, my second time around was similar to the first. I got out there and, almost instantly, everything started to hurt.

My heart hurt. My shins hurt. My brain hurt. My knees hurt. My thoughts hurt. I hurt.

Frack. That’s not right.

So I turned around and went home. No use trying to get a run started when there is obviously something bigger at work. I wish this blog could be about how I pushed through it and broke down some huge emotional wall. But, it’s not. I didn’t break anything down. If anything, I built some walls higher.

Not every run is life changing, soul altering. Some runs are complete failures toppled with a scoop of dog sh$t. We can promise ourselves otherwise, but we never know what tomorrow will bring… if we wont spend the next day crying over a party sized bag of pita chips or will be dining on steak and potatoes.

You cant promise yourself that it will be better. Especially when you are clinically depressed. Your lows are going to be real low. And your highs will be fleeting. Everything can and will change within a second. But you’ve got to deal.

I’ve been trying my best to take mental pictures of the good while it’s there. It’s like the Office wedding episode. I’ve been taking pictures of B and I playing monopoly and laying around Millennium Park. I’ve got a couple of my nephew running to me (he just starting walking!), and another of my niece making me a little stuffed animal craft. There’s one of me looking out at the water last weekend and another of me opening my acceptance letter for the Master’s program. I’m essentially trying to remember and preserve what it felt like to be truly present.

As for the lows, you promise yourself that you will try. Tomorrow is a new day, no matter how many times you try to pray it away. I tried to run again this morning, even after two emotion-fueled fails. And I did it. It wasn’t 8 or 6 miles. It was my normal 5K training run. And I did it in 35 minutes, a new PR. I, for the first time, averaged a 11:40ish mile for all 3 of them. And you bet the moment I looked down at my watch and realized what I had just done is staying in that mental photo album with the rest of the good.

Frack. That’s right.


2 responses »

  1. Nice post. I’m glad you got out there again and scored a PR. Keep that PR in your photo album and know you have more folks that are ready to support you during your tough times. 🙂 Be good stay tough..see ya on the windy roads. 🙂

  2. Wow…..I have had my share of emotional issues too. So I know that saying to hang in there is meaningless. How about, I hope it gets better for you.

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