I’m sorry for the delay in blogging. I actually wrote a pre-Christmas blog about a week ago, but the draft was lost and I’m too lazy to come up with that material again.
Call it post-Christmas-trauma disorder.
In reality, my Christmas went well. I’m too poor to purchase a Christmas tree and space wouldn’t allow it if I had the $90 to fork over for plastic cinders. I improvised by re-purposing a vase of plastic daisies. Brendan provided the homemade ornaments. And just to make it even more authentic, I took one of my many couple-less socks and used it as a stocking. Here’s the evidence:
All those presents are unfortunately not for me. I ended up stuffing everyone’s stocking:
Dad-newest XRT cd
Melanie (step mom)- Elvis wine holder
Mom- tickets to see Million Dollar Quartet
Grandma- new outdoor thermometer
Aunt P- a personalized dessert carrier
Aunt J- a pajama set and a hand knitted scarf
Niece- gift card for target, bonnie bell lip smackers, and an Angel necklace
Nephew- two onesies and some diapers (what more does a 5 month old need?)
In return, I ended up getting:
-4 sweaters and a corduroy coat (mom)
– hoop necklace (mom)
– A new metal bed frame (aunts)
– Mattress cover, pad, and pillow topper (aunts)
– Easel and paint set (aunts)
– Two pairs of boots that didn’t fit (aunts)… they are getting returned and replaced by new running pants and a new Nike hookup for my running shoes
– Large pots and pans set (dad and Melanie)
– New silverware (dad and Melanie)
What about darling boyfriend? Well, we decided to save money and make gifts for each other. I made him a tie-dye tshirt and painted a picture frame to match. He gave me an entire cd worth of songs from our relationship, but instead of it being the original artist, it’s actually him singing and playing all the parts! He also played Santa and stuffed my stocking (ha!) with candy and a new candle.
Of course, Christmas wasn’t without drama. This one, while sort of not unexpected, knocked everyone out. Instead of being a fight between who’s gift was better or which Christmas we would attend, this year’s Christmas woe was full of fear, tears, and unbelievable anger and regret. I really, really wish I could blog about it here. I have so much to say, so much anger and sadness to express that it seems unfair that I cant just come out and say what happened. My nightmares over that night have not ceased, and every day, the confusion and guilt have just increased to a boiling point.
This is not what Christmas is supposed to be. And frankly, I will never forget this Christmas night, that phone call, or the events leading up to it. I cant imagine the next couple of years not having that scar on it.
Anyways, I was blessed to have the happy moments I did. I am blessed by an amazingly resilient and giving family. And to the friend who texted me throughout the night and day, thank you. The same goes to the boyfriend who tried his best to comfort me and to make my Christmas as normal as possible.
I’ve been without a solid support group since I’ve moved to the city. My friendships have been dwindling to a precious few I can count on to have a complete conversation with. And in times like this, you understand how much you have and how much you miss. But that’s part of being an adult. There’s no tree back at home waiting for you to be decorated. There are no line of friends waiting to hold you or willing to drop their lives to see you. And there is certainly not a real Santa around to eat your cookies and leave you the mass amount of things you need for the apartment.
This is growing up. I’m glad to be at this part of my life because: “Try as we might, happy as we were, we can never go back.”
And now, because this became a complete bummer of a post… ADORABLE CHILDREN! (credit goes to my brother’s girlfriend and my sister since I was without a camera):